Lack of Vision

I suffer from a lack of vision. It has nothing to do with my eyes, although they haven't always been that useful either, but more my ability to consider what could be. We live in a house, instead of an apartment or a trailer court, but it's not because of me. It didn't occur to me that we could afford a house, and I was resigned to apartment life, but my husband was not content with bug-infested places that had either too little heat or too much heat and landlords that had bad bookkeeping and a lack of concern. Why was I content? Who knows. Cowardice, I expect. But my husband took the figurative bull by the horns, and we moved into an itty-bitty house that we could actually afford.

I loved that first house. At first I dreaded going home to it because it was just ugly, but we took care of that problem and I was happy there. But we added to our family, and at some point our daughter put her foot down and announced that we just had to get another bathroom. Stu was okay with moving, because he was getting pretty claustrophobic in there. It didn't bother me at all, and I never really noticed because I was the one person who could actually stand all the way up in the basement, but apparently that house was a little short. So we started the process again, with me fretting that we couldn't afford a bigger house, and now here we are, where I never imagined we could be. But Stu imagined it, and it came to pass.

See, here's the thing. I hate taking risks. Although an optimist in many ways, when it comes to taking any kind of risk I become something beyond reluctant. I'm all too aware of how things can suddenly come unraveled at any time and I really fear dealing with the consequences when they do. This, not surprisingly, has big implications for my spiritual life as well. We're in a home church now because Stu said that it was high time, and despite my desire to stay put in my comfort zone, that too came to pass. And there are doubtless many ways in which God would really like me to change and progress, but with my lack of vision of where I could go, and my reluctance to go there anyway, I tend to stay put.

Thanks be to God, He sometimes grows me without my knowledge and consent. It's a good thing, too. Unlike me, God does have a vision for where He wants me to go and what He wants me to become. I just sit here and look at where I am and say "Ick". God gently sends people who will point me where I need to go. Some of them, of course, are gentler than others!

I've learned the value, in the last half-decade, of mentors. Some ladies have known they were mentoring me, some have not. Wouldn't they be surprised? There's a lot to be said for recognizing that someone is where you would like to be, and praying that God will help you get there. There's an elderly second cousin whom I admire more than I can say, and I would like even a portion of her wisdom and serenity. There's a woman who was consciously in a mentoring position with me, and although she might not see that I learned from her, I really did. She tells it like it is, and I'm learning to do that more, with less fear of the reactions I might get. Truth matters. There's another lovely lady I have met in the last couple of years who is warm and gracious to everyone, and full of good humor and honesty, and I pray that God will change me so that these things are reflected in me too, because she is the type of person who is just appealing to be around, and therefore likely to be able to influence others for God. It's more than just good manners, it's a way of looking at life and others. I've never had what you could call manners, but I'd rather have this.

So I'd really like to become a person who has genuine concern for other people, and remembers to pray for them on a more consistent basis, and ignores her own schedule more for the sake of others, and isn't afraid to be truthful. It wouldn't surprise me one bit to find out this is part of God's vision for me too, and if He wants it then it's more likely to happen. Guess we'll have to wait and see.

Love, Spud.