How Do I Love Thee?

My husband and I have been doing a study of John's gospel for the last several months, and one thing that has come up repeatedly has been the Big Two commandments. Well, I'm here to say that I fail utterly at both of them! But it got me to thinking--*do* I love God? I have always assumed that I did, but how do I know? Considering it's one of the Big Two (I'll bet you think you know what number two is, but you might be wrong) it's worth thinking about. So here is Number One: You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. A tall order, to say the least.

So how do we know that we love anybody? It's somewhat easier with other humans, although still a bit nebulous. The clearest example for me is my own little family. I do love my tribe. There are four humans and two cats, and nothing makes me happier then when we are all in the same place together. If one of them is out, my ears stayed tuned to cell phones ringing for me, and door hinges squeaking. (I was really perturbed when a well-meaning friend oiled the front door hinges without asking, because then I could no longer hear my family coming in!) On long trips we have long conversations, an activity that fills my tank. We do things with each other and for each other. I miss them like crazy when they're gone, worry about them when they're ill, spread the news far and wide when one of them does something laudable or just plain amusing. If it would do any good, I'd throw myself in front of a speeding car to save them, but fortunately that particular need has not arisen. I like to think that they actually need me. Like many females, my nurturing instinct is fairly high, and feeling needed also makes me feel loved. It's probably perverse in some way, and I'm sure a psychologist would be happy to tell me how, but it's true.

So those things make me believe that I love my family--they are pieces of evidence that lead to a conclusion. I love them, they love me. Goodness prevails. But can any of this translate? You know, with my family or my friends, no matter how far flung, I can always pick up a phone, tap out an email, even hop in the car and go behold them in person--have some two-way communication, some face-to-face time. This is harder with God. For the most part He is neither visible nor audible in the ways that we are accustomed to. This is why I struggle some days with this question. It's possible I'm just over-thinking again, but considering the fact that it's one of two commandments, maybe it's important! I should keep thinking!

Do I enjoy our time together? Yes, but I'm sometimes a very poor initiator. God does not have skin on, and as the saying goes, out of sight out of mind. Not an excuse, just a reason. But there have been some times of prayer, particularly in times of stress or sorrow, that have been both painful and sweet, bringing an unexpected joy to my soul. You'd think that would bring me to prayer more often, wouldn't you? But like dinner-time conversations, not every one is sweet and affirming, and so in my wretched human state I often neglect Him. So if I love, I love poorly.

Do I do things for God and with God? Sometimes! As a parent, there are times when I need to push my daughter to do things that she would rather not do either because of laziness or fear. I could just let these things go, but I really do try to be a good parent, and I know it's a healthy thing for her to overcome laziness and fears. She'll grow and thrive and become a more mature and happy person for the experience. I love her, so I make her do these things for her own good. God doesn't make me do things, but I sure know that He WANTS me to do things. In recent years I've become a little more willing to stretch myself and go beyond my own comfort zone (which is pitifully small) because I know that I'll grow and thrive and become more mature and happy. And because I know God wants me to. I still love poorly, but I'm trying to get better.

Do I worry about God, and miss Him when He's gone? Of course not! I do sometimes worry greatly about the state of Christianity, and how God is being represented in the world. And thank the Lord, I'll never have to miss Him. The most horrifying thing in the Bible is Ezekiel's vision of God removing His presence from Israel. I can't think of anything more desperately awful than God not being there. I am so deeply grateful I will never experience that. Maybe I'm not loving quite so poorly after all. But do I spread the word when He does something extraordinary? Well, sure! But only to those whom I know already know Him and will be interested. And do I sacrifice for Him? More than I used to, but not enough. Okay, back to loving poorly again. Golly, I think I'm down to about a D+ at this point.

Does God need me? No, He doesn't. Not a bit. Ouch. But He wants me. In John 17, there is a bit where Jesus is expressing the fact that now He gets to go home, a desire that resonated with me, and then later He also says that those who are His will get to go there too. Jesus wants us to go be with Him, in His home. We are wanted. We are in His tribe. The joy and relief that comes with that knowledge is inexpressible. Even though I have no idea what is there, heaven is where my heart wants to be, and sometimes I just cry with tears because of the longing to go. Where did this come from? How can I miss a place I have never been? The Bible says that this world is not our home, that God's children have a true home somewhere else, and I think I must really love Him after all if I have such a deep desire to go there and be with Him.

The last thing, and the one that tipped the balance for me: I love the Bible. The more I read it, the more I study it, the more excited about it I get. God does not have skin on, and He does not speak audibly to me, but He does speak, and I get both puzzled and thrilled by what He says. The more I read, the more I learn about God, and the more I want to know more. This is what calms my heart regarding the whole issue of loving God. Even better than an email from friends, I value the fact that I have an enormous book of communication from Him. If I love His words, then surely it must mean that I love Him too. If we love Him, we are to feed His sheep, and do His commands, and love each other as HE loves us. I try. Oh, I do try.

Maybe I pass the test after all. God deserves better than He gets from me, much better, and I am acutely aware of this. And the fact that this bothers me is a good sign! With all my heart, soul, mind, and strength? Alas, no. Paul was correct in that a married woman is concerned with how she may please her husband (and children, and cats) and so my heart is dreadfully divided. This is the tribe that God gave me, and I'm trying to take care of them and love them well. Would I give them up if I ever had a choice between God and my family? You know, I don't know. Quite possibly I would. That is the definition of death, after all. But thanks be to God, even that won't be permanent. I get to have my cake and eat it too in heaven, where both my tribes will be together. Whew. I think I love God after all. I suspected I did. Some day, we'll all be home.

Love to you too,

Spud.